Ozzy Osbourne isn’t a whore, who can’t keep his penis in his pants. He isn’t unfaithful, and he loves his wife, Sharon. Why can I say this without worries of being castrated by you Femi-Nazi’s and man-haters? Because it’s what the Rock N Roll legend said after it was discovered he had multiple affairs. “I’m a sex addict.”
If only I could have thought of this several years ago, my personal life may be better off. But really, being a sex addict isn’t a choice. Put it up there with being gay, lesbian or an Osmond kid, it’s just not a choice. But if you will, imagine being poor Ozzy. The amount of money and influence that wields power, women are constantly throwing themselves at the Alamo pissing Rock God.
Other than taking responsibility for his actions, Hollywood pundits and gossip guzzlers took to the defense of Ozzy as justifying the old pervert’s actions as an act of nature. “Ozzy feels remorse, for you see, he did this because his sexual compulsions couldn’t be controlled.” Suuure.
So it appears the whole sex addict excuse is working. So let’s take it a few steps further and see if this can work for others.
“You Tested Positive For Steroids.”
Performance is everything for those who rely on their body to make millions a year. Sometimes, athletes need a little shortcut in order to enhance their performance. Let’s face it, despite what Gatorade’s marketing team says, 16 ounces of purple cool-aid isn’t going to help you hit 50 home runs. So, whether you’re an ultimate fighter, Bono, or a Baseball player, you are going to need an excuse for whoever reads the test that you just tested positive for.
“I’m a sex addict addicted to my performance in bed.” While you may not escape a looming 50 game suspension, you will escape public shaming. This is everything for elite athletes who rely on endorsements. Expect to make a few public service announcements, but also expect the integrity of your character to “rebound,” from a positive test!
“I’m a drug addict,” hasn’t been a battle tested excuse, use at your own discretion. Results may vary.
“You Slept With My Best Friend.”
Did I though? Was it me that jumped into bed that one night you were out-of-town visiting your dying aunt? Or was it my addiction to alcohol and sex that forced me to engage in such a concupiscent manner?
You see, this works regardless if you are sober or on the wagon. You can use the cohesion of sex and alcohol to keep yourself out of dodge.
Being a deviant liar hasn’t adopted a disease and societal acceptance yet. So it’s important to rely on terms that have gained acceptance and a disease.
As you can see this works or will, that is if you are considering infidelity. I know what you are thinking, this guy is shameful. This Derek Wood guy lacks scruples. Oh shut up you stupid socialist, Bernie Sanders supporting, liberal. I’m neither of those things,”shameful or scruple-less.” I’m a “sex addict,” and a recovering “alcoholic.”
You can also think outside the sex box. I found two other examples that work just as well!
“You Ate My Wedding Cake.”
This is easy, and if you ever find yourself hungry and invited to a wedding, in the age of excuses and diseases, I have two for you that for sure work. It may ruin the bride’s wedding (as if they had a chance anyway), it won’t ruin your character.
1. I’m diabetic: Diabetic attacks don’t wait for anybody. And it can be deadly plus painful. Eating cake is pleasant, and you don’t need to jam your arm with insolent. Sure, this isn’t a good solution for diabetes, as a matter of fact it isn’t, but if you find yourself in a sticky situation, and most likely a violent one when considering how passionate bridesmaids get during weddings, this is your second safest excuse.
2. I’m obese: People are sensitive today. One of the biggest sensitive spots to hit are the area’s of weight. No PC practicing person in their right mind will dare scorn down a person of plus weight. So if you are hungry, you see a wedding cake, or a child’s snack, just remember you needed it more and you can justify it!
“I’m Seeking Therapy Now”
That’s also a good one. This is what Ozzy is allegedly doing now. Ozzy can be as licentious as he wants, as long as he is seeking therapy. It also appears that you don’t have to get therapy but seek it. Remember, therapy is different for everyone. And with therapy, what is expected? A relapse or two. So not only does he protect his character (if that was ever possible), Ozzy doesn’t even have to end his debauchery. That is as long as he has a disease and a therapist.
Well, that’s the only guidance I am able to offer at this moment. I hope this is able to help you with your own affairs and lascivious actions. Remember, this doesn’t have to be about YOU and owning YOUR mistakes, but instead, this can be someone else’s problem. Namely a disease!
Written pruriently by: D.S. Wood
More from Derek Wood:
Derek Wood is a cultural and political critic and writer for Distract. Media. If you have any local stories and tips that you would like to be featured, reach him on Twitter @DerekSWood1 or send him a message on the Distract. Facebook page.”
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