Santa Claus: “Will Give Coal to Mainstream Media” Says “North Pole Stopped Watching Years Ago”
We all know that at this time of year it’s important to be on your best behavior. Good ole Saint Nick is checking his list not once, but twice. It seems the mainstream media has found itself on the naughty list, as Santa apparently prepares to deliver coal.
Distract The Media
December 24, 2016
He comes but once a year. Right around midnight on December 25th, Santa will get into his new Tesla powered sleigh that can travel at about 6,213,711.92 miles per hour. The big man contacted us recently to talk about Christmas this year, and how he plans to leave out a few homes and establishments.
“This 1st Amendment is a universal human right,” says Saint Nick. “We’ve been following the charade the mainstream media has been pulling lately, and it is truly disappointing.”
Santa Claus, as you may know, is big on good behavior. His Christmas list is unimaginably large and it takes a long time to sift through and get it right.
“This year it was different. I knew something had to be done. Free speech and expression is the very foundation to what Christmas is all about. You should see some of the things these kids ask me for,” joked Santa. Tyler Davidson from Palm Springs asked me if I could make all televisions mute whenever Anderson Cooper speaks. I liked that one.”
We spoke to Santa about some of the events that have taken place in recent times, however he decided not to comment on some topics. For example, when I asked Santa about the devastating drone bombings in recent years he said: “the thought of innocent women and children in villages that have no part in these so-called wars being targeted by Obama is disgraceful.”
“One of our top Elves, Elvison, heads up our sleigh protection technology team,” said Santa. “He recently made a breakthrough in our Anti-Illegal War Missile Detection System, which makes Mrs. Claus feel much more at ease. You just never know when the real attack on Christmas will begin!”
As for the mainstream media?
“I’ve always liked Walter Cronkite. He and I used to wonder if the Rothschild bankers would someday try to shut down my factory through some wild trade agreements. The IMF and World Bank is notorious for that sort of thing,” said Claus. “Walter has always been awake, and he would never say it in public, but he was definitely aware of the fact that Western Media is controlled.”
I then went on to ask Santa Claus about the Clinton e-mails and Pizza Gate, which really reddened his already rosy-red cheeks.
“The Elites are sick people,” he declared. “When Bill Clinton was just 12 years old he asked me for a brunette Barbie doll, a cigar, and some of those old green army men. I always thought it was a weird mixture.” He didn’t have much to say about Pizza Gate directly, but he did comment about the media in general.
“I will not be delivering anything nice to the homes of the 15 billionaires that control the media. Their editors, reporters, and especially their handlers should all expect a dark Christmas,” he said. “After the recent despicable and constant attack on free speech and the kind and truthful independent media, I will be delivering coal to the mainstream media.”
Since he had mentioned independent media, I asked him what the main difference was between the indie media and the MSM. He said very plainly, “the mainstream media is a lying cult of bought-and paid-for robots that read news prepared in a dark room somewhere and I stopped watching years ago.”
“The independent media is an example of the human desire for truth and a resistance to tyranny and evil,” he added.
In less than 12 hours Santa Claus will embark on his journey to deliver toys and happiness to all who still believe. As for those in the mainstream media, even Santa Claus is sick of their lies and deceit.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all readers of Distract The Media!
Disclaimer: This is a satire article meant to raise a few smiles and poke some fun at the mainstream media, while also continuing to raise awareness. Thank you for reading, happy holidays no matter what you do or do not celebrate, from all of us at the Distract the Media Team!